| It's
a sad
dilemma that
many
individuals
spend a
great deal
of time
engrossed in
guilt
because they
don't live
up to
personal
expectations.
Unfortunately
"guilt"
often
becomes an
introduction
to thoughts
such as,
"I'm no
good",
"I'm
hopeless",
"I
can't do
anything
right".
These types
of thoughts
can lead and
individual
to spiral
down toward
a depressive
cycle of
self-destructive
behaviors.
But
what if
"guilt"
is stopped
and dealt
with before
the downward
cycle? What
if
"guilt"
is is
utilized as
a signal
that there
is something
that needs
to be paid
attention
to?
For
example, one
of my
clients,
"Ada"
(not her
real name),
would occasionally
"blow
up" at
her husband
if he came
home from
work later
than she had
expected.
After she
had berated
him, she
would storm
to the
bedroom, cry
and feel
sorry for
herself.
After a day
or so, she
would be
overwhelmed
with remorse
for her bad behavior.
She would
begin to
berate
herself at
what a bad
and
inconsiderate
wife she
was.
As
we explored
the
"outbursts",
Ada
mentioned
that "a
part"
of her was
resentful
towards her
husband
because
"we had
to get
married".
He had
pressured
her into sex
before she
was ready.
She added
that
"to be
fair",
she was also
resentful
toward
herself.
After all,
she had
knowingly
engaged in
sexual
interaction
without
protection
against
pregnancy.
And also,
"to be
fair",
they had
planned to
be married
within the
next few
years - but
certainly
not right
away. She
also
admitted
that at
times she
felt
resentful
toward her
baby.
Ada
stated that
she loved
both her
husband and
young child
and that she
often
"thanked
God"
for them. So
why then,
she asked,
did she so
often feel
trapped and
resentful?
Why did she
have to
experience
such guilt
that it
drove her to
trying to be
the
"Super
Mom and
Super
Wife"
when she
knew that no
matter how
hard she
tried, she
could not
live up to
her own
expectations.
We
talked more
about the
"resentment"
that Ada was
so reluctant
to
acknowledge.
In her eyes,
to admit
being
resentful
meant that
she was
indeed not
only a
failure, but
a horribly
"bad
person".
I
asked Ada
how she
would feel
if she
forgave
herself for
experiencing
the emotion
of
resentment.
As she
pondered
this possibility,
the muscles
in her face
and
shoulders
visibly
relaxed. She
quietly
answered,
"My
body feels
lighter. I
feel as if a
great weight
has been
lifted from
my
shoulders."
We
sat together
in silence.
Ada finally
asked,
"Is
this what
the
explosions
were all
about?"
She already
knew the
answer.
The
next time I
saw Ada, she
told me that
not only had
her
outbursts
stopped, but
that her
relationship
with her
husband had
improved
considerably.
She also
stated that
she was
enjoying her
baby more
and that she
no longer
felt driven
to
perfectionism.
When
you find
yourself
with a case
of the
"guilt's",
you might
want to try
what I have
suggested to
some of my
clients:
1.
Acknowledge
the
primary
emotion
and the
circumstances
that have
spawned
the guilt.
(Be honest
with
yourself!)
Example:
"I'm
jealous of
my friend
because
she's
thin. I
feel
guilty
because I
feel
jealous."
2.
I forgive
myself for
feeling
jealous.
An
interesting
sidebar is
that the
negative
feeling
(jealousy)
often
dissolves
with the
guilt.
3.
Go to the
deepest
part of
yourself.
Remember a
time when
you felt
at peace,
a time
when you
felt a
part of
something
much
greater
than
yourself.
Experience
the love
that is
within
your own
heart.
4.
Allow the
choices
that you
make to
come from
the place
of
love.
5.
Notice the
difference
that it
makes in
your life!
If
you feel
that your
case of the
"guilt's"
is too much
to work
through on
your own,
please
contact me
for
one-on-one
personal
therapy to
heal
yourself.
Email
Vera
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